"AYEKA'S NEW BODYGAURD"
It was a typical fanfiction-style morning at the Masaki residence. You know the drill: Sasami cooking breakfast, Ryoko and Ayeka fighting, Mihoshi crying or sleeping, Sasami cooking breakfast (yeah I know I mentioned it twice...I'm hungry), and Tenchi looking sheepish.
"Breakfast is ready!" Sasami called out.
The motley members of the Masaki family soon gathered together for their morning meal (as well as the usual fanfiction-style Tenchi tug-o-war). Everyone was well into the serious business of eating when Ryoko suddenly sat up straight, as if she remembered something.
"Hey, Ayeka, what day is it?"
"Wednesday. Why?"
Ryoko produced a small book from an unseen pocket and quickly consulted it. "Wednesday, Wednesday... aw, damn."
Ayeka smirked. "What have you got today, Miss Ryoko?"
"I've got `Washu invents crazy new gadget.' That's what she did yesterday. She never does that two days in a row."
Ayeka giggled. "Too bad for you, Miss Pirate. I've got `New SI character crash lands,' and I've got a lucky feeling about my chances."
Mihoshi perked up. "Ooh, I've hope I win. I've got `Major character is kidnapped by either a revenge-crazed madman or avatar of Tokimi."
Ayeka looked over at the lone man at the table. "What did you pick, Lord Tenchi, as if I didn't know."
Tenchi chuckled mirthlessly and looked down as if embarrassed. "Uh, `Carrot supply mysteriously disappears.'"
Everyone else at the table shook their heads sadly. "Geez, Tenchi," said Ryoko, "You don't have any imagination at all, do you?"
Tenchi sulked. "It happened in OVA episode 7. It could happen again."
Nobody dignified that statement with a response, so there was silence for some time.
"Gee, it sure is quiet," remarked Sasami.
"Don't worry, sister, it should be any second now..."
SLAM!
Everybody jumped as Washu's door banged noisily open.
"Yo! Lady Ayeka, phone is for you!"
Wearing a somewhat puzzled expression, Ayeka got up and walked towards Washu's lab.
Tenchi hung his head down in disappointment.
"Don't feel bad, Tenchi, I'm certain the call COULD be carrot-related... BWAHAHA!"
Mihoshi and Sasami giggled along with Ryoko. Tenchi hung his head down even lower.
Shortly afterwards, Ayeka returned, looking disgusted.
"What is it, Ayeka?" Sasami asked excitedly.
"It was father. Apparently, he's concerned for our safety here, and he's sending a bodyguard immediately to supplement Azaka and Kamidake."
Sasami jumped up and cheered. "Yes! I won! `Generic Azusa Plot' strikes again!"
The others groaned and reached for their wallets and/or purses.
Somewhat later, everyone stood at the lake waiting for the imminent arrival of the new character. I mean, new bodyguard.
"Hey, Ayeka?"
"Yes, what is it, Sasami?"
"What's the use of Daddy sending just one bodyguard? I mean, there are TWO of us, and no person can watch around the clock anyway. I mean, for any real security, he'd need to send at least six bodyguards, maybe more. And Azaka and Kamidake can probably do a better job of protecting us than just about any person ever could."
"You're right, Sasami, but I'm afraid Father actually has other motives. He's trying to get me to forget about Tenchi by having me fall in love with someone else."
"But that doesn't make any sense either! I mean, you're a princess, right? Wouldn't it be smarter for him to hook you up with somebody that would bring him some kind of political advantage, like an influential member of the nobility, or a prince of some powerful star system? I mean, bodyguards are usually young military types who are, quite frankly, a dime a dozen."
Ayeka chuckled nervously at Sasami's rant.
Sasami continued, seemingly unaware of Ayeka's discomfiture. "I mean, this who plot sounds kind of boneheaded for someone who's been ruling the most powerful empire in the galaxy for hundreds of years."
"Well, father has been known to blunder in the past. Let's not forget the time he recorded an album."
Ayeka and Sasami shuddered at the memory of "The King of Jurai sings the Cole Porter Songbook."
Mihoshi spoke up. "Hey, how about the time he changed the formula of Jurai Cola! That almost caused a war until they brought the old formula back as `Jurai Cola Classic.'"
"Hah! That's nothing compared to the time he got caught giving a bribe to HIMSELF." added Washu.
Ryoko guffawed. "Yeah, that's good, but I think the topper is his brief career as a swimsuit model." Everyone laughed at this except Tenchi (who didn't understand what everyone was talking about), Sasami (who appeared to be deep in intense thought), and Ayeka (who looked like she wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground).
As the laughter died down, Washu held up her hands. "Seriously, though, folks, we need to get our parts straight. Are we all set for when the bodyguard arrives? Tenchi."
"I offer to spar with him."
"Right. Ryoko?"
"When he is shocked to discover the legendary demon here, we fight, but everyone else intervenes in time before anybody gets hurt. We develop a relationship of mutual respect."
"Right. Mihoshi?"
"I trip on carpets a lot, and spill beverages on him."
"Right. Sasami?"
"I act cute and offer to make his favorite meals. I also insist he calls me `Sasami' instead of `your highness.'"
"Right. Nobuyuki?"
"I'm invisible, just like in 95% of all fanfics."
"Right. Yosho?"
"I drink a lot of tea and always underreact to everything."
"Right. Ayeka?"
"I act resentful of my father's meddling at first, but I soon fall for the bishounen new character with intense smoldering dark eyes. I subsequently depart with my `consolation prize,' leaving the way open for yet another `Ryoko+Tenchi' fic."
"Right. Ryo-ohki?"
"Meow?"
"Wrong. It's `Miya,' not `Meow.' Oh, and I offer in jest to experiment on the prime hunk of Juraian beefcake. So it looks like everybody's set!"
As if on cue, a small Juraian spacecraft appeared in the sky, slowly coming to rest high over the lake. A ball of light descended in front of the group, materializing the ship's occupant.
The new bodyguard, clad in the dress uniform of a Juraian warrior, saluted sharply.
Ayeka's prediction was partially correct. The new bodyguard did have intense smoldering dark eyes. However, the princess (as well at the others) was rather surprised to find that this new bodyguard was built like a Norse godDESS.
There being no discernible reaction the first time, the bodyguard saluted again. "Greetings, Princess Ayeka, Princess Sasami. Lieutenant Yuri Doujinshi reporting for duty!"
"That's your plan? THAT'S your PLAN?"
Surprisingly, even after all these years, Azusa was remarkably sensitive to what he perceived as personal criticism. "What's wrong with my plan?" he pouted.
Misaki, so disgusted she lost the power of coherent speech, motioned to Funaho to do the honors. "The problem, dear husband, is not the plan itself. Sending a beautiful female bodyguard to Earth so that Tenchi would fall in love with her rather than with Ayeka is actually not a bad idea in and of itself. The problem is with your choice of bodyguards."
"What? But Yuri is the most beautiful..."
"Yes, I realize that Lt. Doujinshi is unparalleled in terms of looks. I know that she is the only person to win the Juraian Palace Guard's `Sexiest Person Alive' award for three years running. I am also not blind. However..."
Azusa felt a sinking feeling.
"...have you considered that Lt. Doujinshi is at least twelve inches taller than Tenchi? Don't you suppose he might find her more intimidating and frightening than seductive?"
"Well... if he were to get a little bit of spine..."
"Secondly, are you unaware of the fact that Lt. Doujinshi is a lesbian?"
Azusa erked. "I... I had no idea."
"Thirdly, didn't you know that Lt. Doujinshi is the interplanetary chairman of the 'We Love Princess Ayeka Club'?"
All the blood drained out of Azusa's face.
Misaki, her power of speech finally restored, snorted in disgust. "You screwed up big this time, Azusa. But if you unscrew this by recalling her ASAP, I MIGHT find it in my heart to forgive you."
"The thing of it is..." Azusa started.
Misaki and Funaho grew stony-faced. "Out with it, old man."
"...I, uh, informed every tabloid of the impending Tenchi/Yuri romance and marriage."
"..." said Misaki.
"..." agreed Funaho.
Never before had both queens been speechless at the same time. Somehow, he knew he was going to be in a world of hurt for a very long time.
"Wow, I never expected a GIRL bodyguard," laughed Sasami.
"Well, I'm glad I meet with your approval, your highness," smiled Yuri.
"Please, call me Sasami!"
Princess Ayeka spoke up. "I wonder if after such a long journey, you'd like to refresh yourself? We have a wonderful bath here."
"I'd love a good hot bath. It's so kind of you to offer. Perhaps... you could join me?"
"Well, I've already bathed once today, but I don't suppose a second bath would do me harm," Ayeka said after the briefest hesitation.
Unseen by the others, Yuri grinned widely. Yes, life was good.
"Oh, and then, your highness, I should bring my things into your room. I'll be staying there."
"In my room?"
"It's for security's sake, your highness. You'll be safest if I sleep with you. I mean, in the same room as you."
Life was SO good.
The End?.
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